Micky caught on home video as he
terrorizes a little brat that probably deserved it.
(Click on the image for a closeup of rodent attitude.)
Q--How do you stop a puppy from humping your leg?
A--Pick it up and suck its dick.
Two cowboys are riding the range when they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. One cowboy dismounts, walks over to the ewe and proceeds to have anal sex with it. After finishing, he returns to his horse. The other cowboy says, "Gee, that looked like fun!"...jumps off his horse, walks over and sticks his head in the fence.
Superman is horny one day so he decides to fly over to get
it on with Wonderwoman. As he approaches her skyscraper he notices
her sunbathing next to the pool on the roof. As he descends upon
her he sees that she appears to be having an erotic dream, for
she is writhing and panting.
"What luck!", thinks Superman as he zaps off his uniform
and lets Wonderwoman have it with lightning speed. He zaps his
uniform back on and blasts off. Wonderwoman suddenly opens her
eyes and asks, "What was that?" The Invisible man replies,
"I'm not sure, but my ass is sure sore!"
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and orders a drink at the bar. Another man said to him "That's quite an alligator you have there, but I see it doesn't have any teeth..." The first man replies "That's because it's a trained alligator." The second man is surprised and confused by this and asks in what way the alligator is trained, the first man said "I've trained it to give me head when I hit it with this stick." The second man in disbelief asks for a demonstation of this and the first man willingly obliges, he hits the alligator on the head with his stick and surely enough the alligator crawls up to him and gives the man what appears to be terrific oral sex. The second man is stunned. When the alligator backs off, the first man asks the second if he would like to try it. The second man replies "Sure, but you don't have to hit me with the stick!"
A bologna sandwich walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"I'd like a beer and a hamburger and french fries."
The bartender replies. "We don't serve food here."
A man came home to find his partner sliding down the banister
and asked him what he was doing.
His partner replied "Warming your lunch".
Q. What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog
after they finished having sex?
A. You know? Its true, we really DO taste like chicken!
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful class harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm: "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. In they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks is dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course, no one says a word.
"Her mom's kinda cute," he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again no one says a word.
Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain. Thinking he had better take care of the motorcycle, he pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right!! I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Four men go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man said "My son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and is now the senior vice-president. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift."
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Doug and Tom were out walking their dogs about sunset on a beautiful, warm summer night. Doug had a German Shepherd and Tom had a Chihuahua. As they crested a steep hill, they could see a couple of neon beer signs glowing in the window of a bar.
Doug says, "let's stop in for a beer."
Tom says, "We can't go in their with our dogs."
Doug says, "Watch this." He takes his dark glasses out of his pocket and puts them on his face. He walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender kind of looks at the dog, then figures it must be a seeing eye dog, so he gets the beer for Doug.
So, Tom puts his dark glasses on, goes in and sits down at the bar, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Get the hell out of here! We don't allow dogs in here!'
Tom says, "That other guy has a dog."
The bartender says, "That's a seeing eye dog."
Tom says "My dog is a seeing eye dog, too."
The bartender says "A Chihuahua seeing eye dog?"
Tom says "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Ventriloquist Cowboy:
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into a little Oklahoma town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: Dawgs cain't talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Dog:Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses cain't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk). Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
Question: What's brown and sticky?
Answer: A stick!
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
A few days after Christmas,Tommy's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we are leaving."
Tommy's mother went into the living room and told her son, "We do not use that kind of language in this house. Now go up to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use the proper language."
Two hours later, Tommy's mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came down from his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and she heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, plase remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage in the rack above your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands, is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
-Gerald
Zahn (AKA Uncle Ger, Mama Zahn, and Zahnareena)
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike, but the fact remains that, if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Cops:
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."
-Russell Pachman
The queen of England is coming to an American hospital for
which they are going to name a wing after her.
She
arrives and is met by the cheif of staff of the hospital and they
proceed to visit one wing of the hospital.
She
says she would like to go into a room and visit a patient. He
agrees and they enter a room, where a man
is masturbating
furiously.
She says "Oh my, what on earth
is going on here?"
The chief of staff states,
"Oh this person has a disease where if he doesn't cum his
balls will literally burst,
so he is doing what
he needs to in order to prevent that."
The
queen says "oh I see, I've never heard of such a thing."
So the chief of staff takes her to another area
of the hospital and they enter another room. There is a man
lying in bed and this beautiful nurse is giving him
head.
The queen says "Oh my God in heaven
what is going on here?"
The chief of staff
replies "oh same thing as the last patient we saw, but a
different health plan!"
-BoonDkr
The teacher gave her class an assignment to go home and get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
The teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" replied Kathy. "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now Lucy what is your story?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One time we had a dozen eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs hatched we only got ten live chickens. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy."
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Sure do. My dad told me this story about my uncle Bob. My uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit by a SAM missile. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down and then landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
"My goodness," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your father give you from that horrible story?"
Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't ever fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
-Danny Joe
Nike has just come out with a new running shoe for lesbians, its called Dike, they have an extra long tongue, and you can get them off with one finger !
- Christopher
WORMHOLE